3. Feeling conflicted

I love babies. I love the joy that they bring to their parents and the other people in their lives. I have always been thrilled for family and friends that announce that they are expecting, heading out almost immediately to find a cute outfit or an adorable hooded towel to give them to get their baby item collection started! Nothing ever made me happier than seeing a woman in her third trimester, glowing with a beautiful growing bump. I used to google videos of people surprising their friends and family with their pregnancy news, and I would cry right along with the soon-to-be grandparents – genuinely so happy for these people who get to welcome a child shortly.

I am not this person right now and I am embarrassed to admit it. Every time I see a pregnant woman – jealousy radiates through my body. I still smile and congratulate her, because she deserves to be overjoyed, it just feels forced. A friend of mine posted a video on Facebook a few days back announcing her pregnancy with her first child (which is so unbelievably amazing and beautiful) and I cried…not happy tears, they were tears of self pity and extreme sadness. Tiffany held me while I sobbed “why can’t that be us?” over and over again. And although I can look at it now and see that my tears were selfish and the jealousy I feel is selfish – I can’t shake it.

I want to go back to my old self, feeling genuinely happy for other people who are about to become parents. It will take work, but I am getting there. If I could just get a baby into my belly already!!!!!

Shannon.

 

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2 thoughts on “3. Feeling conflicted

  1. Just reading back three-year-old or entries, I have completely been exactly where you are. Watching all of my close friends, sister-in-law etc. get pregnant over and over has been brutal. I feel like such a jerk for not being all in thrilled. But some people have it so much easier, and they complain about dumb things like not being able to find clothes they like, and it makes me feel with rage they don’t even realize what a privilege it is to be able to get pregnant so easily. Hang in there. Your feelings are completely normal.

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    • I’m glad that I am not the only one who feels this. I feel like I have so much happiness inside of me and I want to share it with people, but there is a layer of sadness that I can’t seem to shake!! As hard as this whole process is, I feel that it will make me appreciate every change that my body goes through and every time I get to wake up to my baby crying so much more!!
      Thank you for being so supportive, I am always here to chat!! ❤

      Like

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