I love babies. I love the joy that they bring to their parents and the other people in their lives. I have always been thrilled for family and friends that announce that they are expecting, heading out almost immediately to find a cute outfit or an adorable hooded towel to give them to get their baby item collection started! Nothing ever made me happier than seeing a woman in her third trimester, glowing with a beautiful growing bump. I used to google videos of people surprising their friends and family with their pregnancy news, and I would cry right along with the soon-to-be grandparents – genuinely so happy for these people who get to welcome a child shortly.
I am not this person right now and I am embarrassed to admit it. Every time I see a pregnant woman – jealousy radiates through my body. I still smile and congratulate her, because she deserves to be overjoyed, it just feels forced. A friend of mine posted a video on Facebook a few days back announcing her pregnancy with her first child (which is so unbelievably amazing and beautiful) and I cried…not happy tears, they were tears of self pity and extreme sadness. Tiffany held me while I sobbed “why can’t that be us?” over and over again. And although I can look at it now and see that my tears were selfish and the jealousy I feel is selfish – I can’t shake it.
I want to go back to my old self, feeling genuinely happy for other people who are about to become parents. It will take work, but I am getting there. If I could just get a baby into my belly already!!!!!