We posted this picture on our social media pages with the caption “Our family is growing by 4 feet in May”. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with the response. All of the love that was sent our way was such a wonderful feeling. And now this all feels so real.
My tummy is growing away. I really thought I would be able to hide my pregnancy for a while longer, but these babies have a plan of their own. I have quite the baby bump now, which makes me smile every time I look in the mirror. There are my babies, growing and developing and every single day we get closer and closer to meeting them.
What will they look like? Will they like hockey as much as we do? And if they do, will they cheer for the Leafs or will there be a team rivalry in the house? What will their voices sound like? What will they find funny? Who will they grow up to be? How can we love them more than we already do?
So many questions floating around. I think about them constantly. In normal every day situations, I imagine them here… sitting on the couch at my parent’s, watching the game… baking cookies in the kitchen…. decorating the Christmas tree…. taking the dog for a walk. They will enhance every moment of our lives, and even the normal moments will seem extraordinary because they will be here.
This has been our dream for what feels like forever, and now we are months away from watching it come true. Our two miracles coming into this world.
I’m just on cloud 9 over here.
I have been quiet on here lately, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel tired and nauseous all the time. I just have no energy for much after I am home from work. People always talk about the fatigue and morning sickness in the first few months of pregnancy, and I swear I underestimated how intense it could really get.
We have still been taking our weekly photo with a fruit or veggie that shows the twin’s size. This week we are at the “cherry” size. It is crazy to think our little babies are already that big, they have little hands and feet and their facial features are becoming more defined. We had another ultrasound last week, and it was amazing to see how much they had grown and how much stronger their sweet heartbeats were.
I am already showing. This isn’t much of a surprise to me, since everyone that has had twins told me that I can expect to start showing about a month earlier than I would with a singleton pregnancy. Maybe Tiff and I are the only ones who notice, but I swear my shirts hug my tummy a little tighter and stretchy pants feel so much more comfortable. I am excited for 3 weeks from now, when I get to start telling people and feeling less self-conscious about my growing belly.
We are still wrapping our heads around the fact that we are having twins. Two babies. We know that we are being blessed twice over, but we are still a little nervous about everything. Caring for one baby is stressful and amazing and overwhelming and beautiful…. caring for two babies will be so much more. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, these babies are going to be the most wonderful gift.
Back to day-dreaming about baby names.
Early Sunday morning we went to get my bloodwork done! They said they would call with results in the early afternoon, so we had about 4-5 hours to kill. We headed to the mall and found 2 of the cutest little onesies, so obviously we got them with positive thoughts in our minds!!
On the drive home through the country back roads we got a call from the clinic. It was 11am so we were caught right off guard! They told us that our HCG levels were great and our results came back positive!! We cycled between laughing, crying and sitting in disbelief. It was the most beautiful and surreal moment of my life, and I will remember it forever!
We quickly drove to my parents house to share the news. My mom broke down instantly and ran over and pulled us both in for a hug, it was then that I look at my Dad and noticed the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. It was so wonderful to share such exciting news with the people who care most about us in this world!
We went for our follow up bloodwork 2 days later and our levels hadn’t quite doubled in the 48 hours. I was nervous but tried to stay positive, I couldn’t let go of this floating feeling so quickly.
We got more blood done today and our HCG numbers look great! I have never been so relieved! I am officially pregnant and the baby seems to be growing well!
We get to go for our first ultrasound in 2 weeks to check up and make sure that everything is going well! So for the next little while we will eat healthy, get out for evening walks, think of baby names and soak in this beautiful joy that we have in our lives.
I swear that all of the positive vibes and thoughtful messages helped me through this. My fingers are crossed that this pregnancy sticks and in 8 months we have a beautiful healthy baby in our lives!
Still smiling ear to ear!
Today I had my first extremely positive appointment. It is day 13 so I went for my routine bloodwork and ultrasound. I have done this a million times. I know which parts of my arm give blood the easiest, I know the ultrasound technicians by name (and even have a few favourites), I know the song and dance now. But today was different for me. The first thing that was different was that I was there alone. Up until now, Tiffany has been able to get the time to attend all of the appointments with me. So I did the (1 hour) drive alone and sat quietly in the waiting room. When it came time for my ultrasound I heard the voice of my favourite technician calling my name. As she was doing the scan, I saw the smile come across her face. She has been there for so many negative appointments, it felt so good to hear the good news from her. On the right side I have an 11mm follicle and on the left side I have a 12mm follicle and a 15mm follicle! I have never had anything grow larger than 10mm so this was the most amazing thing to hear! She was so sweet and printed a copy of the photo of the 15mm follicle for me to give to Tiffany! The doctor said that he is going to watch them closely because he doesn’t want to inseminate if we have more than 2 good follicles because it would put us at risk for multiples.
I sent Tiff a picture of the follicle and then quickly called her and asked he to look at the picture that I sent her. We laughed and cried (happy tears) for a while. (I was so distracted with happiness that I accidentally got onto the highway going the wrong way in rush hour traffic). Then I called my mom, I have never heard her squeal like that! She told me to send her the photo of my 15mm and she told me that it was the most beautiful follicle she had ever seen.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I do want to allow myself today to be happy and breath a sigh of relief. I was starting to doubt my own body. I was beginning to think that I may never be able to bear a child. But today instilled a new sense of hope in me. The doctors found the right combination and dose of medications for me, so now they will be able to stimulate follicles again (if this month isn’t our month).
We go back tomorrow morning (Tiff gets the time off) and then Saturday is my 30th birthday! We will probably have another appointment on my birthday, but if my follicles keep growing and things are looking good, I can’t think of a better birthday gift. I think I have to thank the universe for this one, and each person who sent prayers, thoughts and positive vibes my way.
There’s a light at the end of this long dark tunnel, and I think I just caught a glimpse of it.
It is no secret that Tiff and I talk quite frequently about the kind of parents that we want to be. We want to surround our children with love and encouragement and we want to instill a sense of adventure/spontaneity into their lives!
My mom called me in the afternoon on Wednesday and asked us to drive up to Toronto the next day to spend the night with her at her hotel (she was in Toronto for a conference) and we jumped at the opportunity!
We drove in, met her at the hotel and then met our cousins for dinner at an Irish bar. We then made our way to the aquarium, where Mom, Tiff and I watched in awe as sharks, rays and millions of fish swam around us!
The next morning Mom went off to her conference so Tiff and I went into the Distilley District and added our own lock to the love locks! It was special for us to be able to symbolically lock our love in permanence.
It was fun to do something spur of the moment and just play the whole trip by ear! I hope when we have a little one we will take them on spontaneous trips to different cities to see new things with them.
When I got home I headed to the States with my sister and some of our friends to see Luke Bryan! It was so nice to dance the night away and not think about appointments or when the heck I would get my period!
Then yesterday morning just before I left for work… my period finally came!!! Tomorrow I will start my Femera for 5 days and then next Saturday I will start my FSH injections again!! I have a good feeling about this cycle! My fingers are crossed!
Can you cross your fingers for me too? 🙂
These past few days I have felt a new sense of positivity and purpose. I took all of my family’s home movies and I am going through them, putting them in order, documenting what’s on them and then I am going to transfer them to DVD for my parents.
I have loved watching my parents snuggle me and play with me when I was just a baby. I have loved seeing myself, my brother and my sister playing together and giving each other kisses. I have loved seeing my grandmothers who have both passed full of life and joy. I have loved seeing our whole family together celebrating even the smallest things! I have loved seeing the smiles that my parents shot each other when they didn’t know they were on camera. I have loved every little moment of every video.
I can’t wait to give my parents the DVDs filled with the best moments of our early years.
These past few days have made me realize exactly the kind of parent I want to be. I want to capture my kids first steps, and their little giggles. I want to remember the little moments and the big celebrations.
I am so lucky to have had the childhood that I did. My parents loved (and still love) each other like crazy. My siblings were (and still are) my very best friends. And our family was (and still are) closer than most.
Capture everything. Celebrate the little things.
They cancelled my cycle yesterday. After spending $1200 on medications and 17 days of injections, nothing had happened. My follicles weren’t growing and my estrogen hadn’t gone up. The doctors still seem hopeful that eventually they will find the right blend and dose of meds and I will ovulate and then we will finally get to take the next step that we have been waiting for for what seems like forever.
Even with hopeful doctors, getting the call to say that my cycle has been cancelled still crushed me. I had really thought that with our increased dose something would happen. Of course I got the call as we were getting ready to go to our friends’ bridal shower. I gave myself 15 minutes to cry and feel sorry for myself – in reality I took about 35 minutes and rushed to fix my makeup as we ran out the door – and I told myself that I would spend the next 3 hours celebrating our two wonderful friends who deserve all the love and joy in the world.
I was doing great. I was smiling and hugging everyone. I took a bunch of beautiful pictures of the happy couple. It didn’t matter that on the inside I was holding myself together by a thread – my friends only saw happiness.
We went to the beach by our house to watch the sunset last night. I sat hand in hand with Tiff (our pup squeezed between us) and let the tears slowly stream down my face as I listened to the waves and felt the cool breeze on my skin. The thing with this process is that as much sadness as you feel, you know that every ounce of it will be worth it eventually. Sometimes the pain feels like it might be too much and then I remember that one day there will be a child in my arms and my heart will be so full – and the pain gets duller. Looking forward is the only option but I need to let myself hurt when it hurts.
Off I go – ready to start another cycle – still filled with the same hope, because what do we have if we don’t have hope?
The injections still haven’t stimulated any follicles but I am feeling positive today. Our doctor increased my dose of FSH again yesterday and said that she is “going to make it happen” for us. She was so confident and it made me realize that she sees this all the time, I am not the first person to respond slowly to medications.
People do not talk about their fertility issues openly, most couples (or individuals) struggle though the process alone – feeling like nobody around them can relate. In the past little while, I have opened up to family and some friends about this process and I was met with overwhelming support and encouragement. I have friends who know other people who are currently in the same situation, I have friends who are looking into the process and had about 100 questions so they would know what to expect and even my mom struggled through a miscarriage before she got pregnant with me.
Opening up isn’t easy because the more people we open up to – the more people we have checking in (which is so kind of them, but on a bad day it just reopens the wounds) – but I am so glad to have opened up to the people in my life that truly care about Tiff and I. I am happy to know that I can hopefully help my friends navigate their way through the process and let them know what they can expect and I am happy to know that my mom and sister are always there to listen and hand out advice.
If you ever need someone to open up to – I am here.
I tell myself not to get my hopes up for any appointment, but guess what I do as I am sitting in the waiting room? That’s right – I get those hopes waaaay up.
Even with these injections, I have not had any follicles grow to even 10mm, which has been a giant disappointment. I truly thought that these injections were the answer. Today is only cycle day 13, but from the look on the doctor’s face when she told me that my estrogen wasn’t as high as they would like and that I had no follicles growing, I feel like I should be a lot further along than I am.
I have read dozens of blog posts about other women with PCOS who take a little longer to grow their follicles and eventually ovulate. I really hope that I am among them, and that tomorrow at my appointment there will be some better news.
Send over some positive ovulation vibes my way please.
Just a quick update on where we are at!
Today is cycle day 3 – so we visited the clinic for blood work, an ultrasound and they talked us through the next step which is injections. On the way home we went to our pharmacy and gave them the prescription. They are ordering it in, so we have to wait until this afternoon to pick it up but its going to cost us $365 because my benefits will not cover it. The costs associate with this process are crazy, I hate that this is the only option that we have.
Starting tonight I will take the injection every night, and on Saturday (cycle day 8) we go back to the clinic to test my levels and see how my ovaries are responding.
Here’s to hoping that this cycle works for us. I just want my follicles to grow big so that I at least know that pregnancy is a possibility!